1 week ago today

Here it is, exactly one week after my baby's due date. The day we should have been celebrating his 1st birthday. Instead of a birthday party I had a day full of anxiety and frustration. The day began very strange. I had a really rough morning, but I eventually made it to work. I kinda felt like staying in the bed the entire day, but that's not very realistic when you have other things to do. So I went to work and got through the day the best way I knew how, pretending I was happy. But the truth is, it was a horrible day. Now, I don't want this to be a negative blog site, where I write about how awful my days are. But some days are just that, awful and sad, and all around not good. Wednesday, Sept. 21st happened to be one of those days. But today, I feel just fine, I'm not sad, I am pretty good. And I'm also proud of my better days, I don't have bad days as often as I used to and I'm thankful for that, I appreciate the happy times because so much of my time was spent sad, depressed and stuck where I was. But now I'm finding some sense of peace through it all. I don't understand why I went through what I did and I still question why very often. But I'm making it the way I know how, learning more and more to make a conscious effort to depend on God to be my strength, because my personal strength doesn't do a very good job. I encourage each of you to reach out to God, and give Him the things that even you don't understand.

6 days away

I am 6 days away from the day my son should be turning 1. As I reflect on this time last year, I would not want to trade places with myself, I was a complete wreck, this year, I'm a small wreck, not as bad as I was last year, but still feeling some sadness. It doesn't seem as overwhelming as it was last year. I have to learn to appreciate the small milestones. It may not mean anything to anyone else, but to any other parent out there who has lost their child, I'm sure small steps are significant to you too. I can't exactly put into words how I feel, but if I had to describe it today, I would say...surreal. Even a whole year and 5 months later, the loss still sometimes seems a bit unreal, like it didn't happen. And it did happen, I have scars to prove it! But I sometimes think to myself, "I can't believe I have lost a child". I never imagined these words to be on the list of things I could say about my life. But, it is true, I lost a child. My firstborn, and it is really hard to live with. I kinda don't like the fact that everything seems to be a countdown. 6 days until his due date, 1 year and 5 months since I lost him. I know certain dates so well and I can vividly replay the events of that specific date in my head. That sure is something I wish to get rid of. Not fun! But how does one erase such horrid memories. The only joyful memories I have are; finding out I was pregnant, our first ultrasound, and our last ultrasound where baby boy was moving and jumping around so much in my belly. That's the last image that I have of him and I'm glad to have that, but the negatives beat the positive and that's my struggle. I don't want to sound like a complainer, but I really want people on the outside to understand what we deal with as parents. Its a very tough journey and I wouldn't want anyone to trade places with me.

Signing off with a somber spirit,

Stephanie~~

What is life without you?

This poem was written August 5, 2010

When I found out about you, I couldn't imagine my life without you.
I longed for the days I would hold you, and all the time I would have to get to know you.
Even though carrying you was a bit much, I would give anything just to feel your touch.
My life has taken a sudden turn, one that I don't understand.
And everyday is hard, but I know God has a plan.
I have to trust Him through my tears and even through my fears.
I know that you are with Him, but how I want you here.
I want to know you, and you to know me. I want you to know how much of a blessing you would be.
There are no words to describe the pain I feel. Each new day the loss of you becomes more real.
There are so many questions that fill my mind;
How do I get through this, better yet, how do I survive?
A life without my child...How did I get here?
I don't have the answer just yet, but I know my path will be made clear.

To my baby boy

This poem was written 3 weeks after baby boy passed

This is dedicated to my sweet baby boy,
Even though you never met me each day you brought me so much joy.
I had the privilege of you living and growing inside of me for 4 whole months
And when we met, our time together was much too short.
I don't yet understand just why you're not here with me,
but I do know for sure that you are safe in Glory.
I'm happy to know that you rest with Jesus, but
mommy and daddy miss you so much.
I think of you everyday, and I want you to know that I loved you in the most special way.
As the days, weeks, and months pass, and life goes by so very fast,
I want you to know that you will never be forgotten.
You are the ONE, for you will always be My first born son!

Quiet Times

Its the quiet times that I dislike the most. Those are the times where my thoughts scare me. I can be doing something so simple and all of a sudden, my heart begins to flutter and tears fill my eyes. I realize when its really quiet something always reminds me that quiet is a word that I shouldn't be this familiar with. I should have a son who is fast approaching one year old. But instead I am left with a quiet home and sad thoughts. Unfortunately, today happens to be one of those days. Its been a really rainy and cold day, and I would love to be snuggled up with my baby singing him a song and rocking him to sleep, but instead I'm snuggled up under the covers in the living room on the sofa (which is a pretty comfortable spot), but it's not nearly as good as holding baby boy in my arms. I often wonder will quiet times always be like this, I'm sure they won't but its hard to see any other way at the moment.
Lately I have been feeling like my tears get stuck somewhere between sadness and my tear ducts, I want to cry, and I even need to cry, but its hard to come out some days. Why is that? I don't know but I am glad to have an outlet such as this to share my most intimate feelings. Most of the things I write I wouldn't say aloud. I express myself so much better by writing. And my hope is that by others reading this blog people will get a better understanding of how to deal with grieving parents and gain a small peek inside our minds. I hope to shed some light and help families deal with their loved one who just experienced losing a child.
I'm about 1 year and 5 months into this thing and I never saw myself making it this far, and I do mean never. I didn't plan on being around this long after my child died, I just didn't think I possessed the strength, and you know what, I didn't. I know for a fact now that it was absolutely the prayers of others that carried me through. Because if it had been up to me, I would have checked out long ago. But for whatever reason, I'm still here, and if I can make it, I am certain with everything in me that you can make it too. It has to be the hardest thing to deal with in life, but you make it the best way you know how.