tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44028026787678321822024-03-04T22:00:13.278-06:00Life after pregnancy loss: ups, downs, and everything else.Let's journey through life after pregnancy loss. Life will get better, one day at a time!Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-36494440356227245432013-08-02T11:01:00.000-05:002013-08-02T11:01:17.466-05:00This post is going to be slightly different from most of my posts. Infertility...what a word!! I almost don't like the word as much as I don't like the word miscarriage. These words aren't big enough to describe what really happens. Miscarriage is a horrible word in my opinion. Its so small compared to how big the loss of a child is to a parent. Infertility is a word that scares people away often. Its an unwanted label that no one asked for.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Month after month I go through this weird ritual of being positive and hopeful and thinking "this will be the month for sure"! I give myself that "pep talk" every single month. Only to be disappointed once again. It usually goes a little like this....this month is it for real, happiness, expecting good news in a few days, still being positive and hopeful, BOOM, BANG...cycle day 1..extreme disappointment, sadness, depressed, why does this always happen, well, I can't change it so just get over the fact that you're not pregnant this month, on to the next month. And so begins the cycle again month after month.</div>
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So, do you see how exhausting that cycle is and how extremely emotional that is for a person to deal with. Then imagine having to have the "fertility treatment" talk with your husband. Who wants to talk about paying for a child, thousands and thousands of dollars, just to have a kid. No one ever thinks they'll have to have this conversation with their spouse. Well, at least I never thought I'd have to. I am giving you a real look into what goes on with Infertility. Its funny how most of us when we were single spent most times trying not to get pregnant, and now that were married were spending way more time (and money and sanity) trying to get pregnant. That doesn't really make sense, but that's life...for some...for me.</div>
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This journey is really, really hard. Its like I have to fight for what to focus my attention on, I miss my child, I grieve for him, I long to feel him, to know him, I miss him so much it hurts sometimes. I desperately want children, I want to experience pregnancy again, I want to bond with another human being on a level that is beyond this world. Both sides are kinda sad, but its real life. I want to be hopeful and positive and believe that its going to happen for us, but sometimes that is really hard, really almost impossible for me to keep getting my hopes up only to be let down...again. </div>
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I don't know the answer. Please don't give me the God-has-a-blessing-just-for-you type cliche thing or the when-you-stop-trying-that's-when-it'll-happen. I know, I know...just please hear my heart on this issue, I just have to get it out, get it off my chest. I get angry when I think of the cards we've been dealt, but I can't change it. Deal with it! Toughen up some! Okay, okay I'm a big girl. Miscarriage and Infertility will not get the best of me. </div>
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Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-61538586076321557712013-05-23T11:10:00.000-05:002013-05-23T11:10:18.039-05:00Are You My Mother?Hi there everybody. It has been a really long time since I've written my feelings here. I have actually been putting my feelings to the back burner lately, which isn't good, I know. So much has happened since my last post. I have wanted to write so many times, but I've been a little afraid, because it means I have to face how I feel, which can sometimes be a little ugly.<br />
Guess I'll start with Mother's Day, well, you know the drill I'm sure, it was a tough day, anxiety filled. I put so much pressure on myself to not feel "weird" on Mother's Day. But I do, I feel empty and like I'm really missing out on the best feeling in the world...being a "real" mom. I battled the question once again, "Am I really a Mother?" Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not, at least that's how I feel. I hate when they ask the Mother's to stand up in church, I don't want to, but I don't want people looking at me to see what my response will be. My heart races and I get flushed. I really hate that feeling.<br />
I miss you son, I really do. I started going to counseling again a few weeks ago and I've had to face some hard truths that I don't want to face, but its necessary. I'm somewhat a turtle, I like to crawl in my shell when things get tough, but that's not life, I know. The feelings one experiences after losing a child, those feelings are tough and they are no fun. Life is forever changed. I still wonder what my son would be like now, he would almost be 3 years old, wow, me with a 3 year old. My life would be so different if that were the case. I hate what if!! Its not a profitable feeling at all, what if this, what if that; I'll never know.<br />
I haven't cried in a while and I haven't looked at his pictures either, I need to do that because I want to feel close to him so bad, I long for him so much, I need him and I miss himStephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-85510589624235403932012-11-20T21:48:00.001-06:002012-11-20T21:48:59.761-06:00Pictures worth 10,000 wordsTonight, I looked at my baby's pictures. At first I was afraid, I didn't know what emotion I would feel at first glance. As always, I smiled..... then I cried. I often touch the photos as if I'm touching him, his skin. What I wouldn't give to feel him one more time. As I turned the pages in the photo book I was amazed at how much he looks like me...and Eddie too. He was really a complete make up of Eddie and I, a perfect combination. I get angry when I think about what we went through, and I still don't understand, maybe I never will. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I want to scream it very loud. I'm home alone and I won't do that, but in my head, I'm screaming.<br />
Grief is one of those horrible things that can sneak up on you like a robber. You had no idea it was coming, catches you totally off guard. Just when you think things are smooth something slaps you in the face. I know the holidays are upon us and I have been fighting against depression. For some reason now, the holidays are a reminder of what I don't have, not all the "things" I don't have, but my son whom I don't have. I know you're thinking, "well, you're ungrateful", not ungrateful at all, I realize how blessed I am, but its also nights like this, when I'm here alone, and its extra quiet, that shouldn't be the case. I would love to have a noisy house because I'm chasing around a 2 year old little boy. I don't have that, instead I'm looking at pictures of my baby who didn't survive. That is a pretty tough pill to swallow. I am mad that he's gone, I am angry that I feel so incomplete, something, no someone is missing from my life and I know who it is, but I can't change anything. Yes, I will keep living and loving, yes, I will smile and be happy, but I will also cry, get angry, get mad, get even madder because I don't understand.<br />
I will keep glancing at baby boy's pictures for the rest of my life, and I'm sure I'll cry and smile every single time, my heart goes through a couple different emotions when I look at his pictures, and I'm sure that will never change.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-61143809885516578032012-07-25T17:31:00.000-05:002012-07-25T17:31:36.932-05:00Well...Life is an extreme challenge these days. I had been trying to intentionally not focus so much on trying to conceive, and just enjoy each month like the previous. That was until my cycle decided to come 6 days late, why, I have no idea. So, that had me in a happy place for quite a while. I begin to think, "oh, maybe this is it, when I least expect it", I was just sure I was pregnant....NOT! That might be one of the worst parts about pregnancy loss, you lose the innocence of trying to make a baby, you lose the innocence of pregnancy because you now know what "could" happen. Now, this is not to say that I am expecting the worst, but I can't forget what happened the first time. This is a tough place to be in, but I have to keep reminding myself that it will happen, its just the wait, that's the not-so-fun part.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-88433358737072999302012-06-20T10:04:00.000-05:002012-06-20T10:05:21.979-05:00Mixed emotions yet againWell, here it is, one day before my birthday. For some reason I'm feeling really nervous, and also feeling a little down, not really in a celebratory mood. Sometimes the guilt of being happy jumps at me unannounced. Its a very hard place to be, you know you can't stop your life, but to just "go on" like normal doesn't seem right. Here I am about to turn 30 and boy did I have things mapped out, I would at least be on child #2 by now, but instead, I have empty arms and am left with the painful memory of giving birth to a child months too early by force. I will make the best of these mixed emotions though. I know that 30 is a big deal, and I am glad to have lived to see it, as so many haven't. So, Stephanie...suck it up and be happy!!! OK!<br />
On another note, I have to share the most awesome news ever. After 2 years and 2 months, I now have pictures of my sweet baby boy. Who would have thought something like this could happen. On that dreaded day of April 10, 2010, a very sweet lady took it upon herself and her wonderful instincts to take pictures (without our consent because of the hospital not asking us) She told me that she just "felt" like she had to take the pictures. It just so happened that we were in the same place at the same time when I was sharing my story at a conference and she put the puzzle pieces together and we exchanged stories, she told me that she had pics of MY baby. At first it just seemed too good to be true, but God knew that this was a secret desire of mine since that day. I had always had the regret of not having any photos, but who thinks to take pictures when they just lost their child, your thoughts aren't clear or focused. But, that no longer matters because I now have 20 pictures of MY son, I couldn't be happier, its what I have always wanted. God did this just for me and I am forever thankful to Him for being so kind to me. I will share one photo with you all here.<br />
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<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-42420046618486298282012-05-16T10:07:00.000-05:002012-05-16T10:07:00.727-05:00My REAL life in wordsWhere do I start? I guess I should start with Mother's day. Why is there so much anxiety around this day? Maybe because most "mothers" are happy and proud of their title. But then there are those, like me, I kinda don't know where I fit in. I offer the question once more, am I really a mother? I hate that I have this struggle, when people on the outside tell me all the time, "you are a mother", but sometimes I disagree. (and please no cheesy replies saying you are a mother, Stephanie, don't worry) Its just not fair to have that title stripped away and it was totally out of my control. Who's fault was it, I don't really know. Maybe my body, my body betrayed me by not safely carrying my son and protecting him like it should have. I just don't understand, and I'm sure I never will, maybe understanding is not really what I'm searching for. Closure maybe? But how can you have closure when it comes to something like the death of a child. I don't think that's possible, do you? I know I'm asking a lot of questions, and I kinda want some answers, but if I don't get them, I'll live.<br />
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Frustration is another familiar feeling, or should I say emotion. Infertility....wow! What a subject. Infertility after baby loss is even more painful to face. There, I said it. I am struggling with infertility. And no I don't want any sympathy or pity, I would like your prayers, that's what its gonna take for us to have a baby. Lots and lots of prayers. I have to constantly remind myself that if God did this for us the first time around, then why would He change His mind all of a sudden. But guess what? That's no easy position to stay in, its a constant struggle. But, it is what it is. We will get through this, we have no choice. I see kids in our future, I just want them to be here in the now...Well, life can be topsy turvy sometimes, but we gotta roll with the punches, right?Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-69061777203665556822012-04-12T14:00:00.003-05:002012-04-12T14:13:13.439-05:002 YearsWow! It is really hard to believe its been 2 whole years since I gave birth to my sweet little baby boy. I vividly remember the day. Only this time when I think about my son, I don't cry, I'm not instantly saddened by the thought. I do still wonder what life would be like if he were here. But mostly I thank God for bringing me to where I am today. I can remember the date last year, I was so anxious and nervous about how I would feel on his birthday, but this year as the date approached, I was not anxious at all, I had decided that I was going to face the day and that I was going to be okay. And my day was just fine. Of course I thought of baby <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Tre</span> as soon as I woke on Tuesday morning. While I was cleaning yesterday I did come across his ultrasound pictures and I teared up a bit, I can go back to that day and how happy I was and how happy he was, just bouncy and unaware of the trouble that lie ahead. Oh well, here we are on April 12<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span> and I am missing him like crazy, but I am not depressed, I am not paralyzed by anxiety or <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">sadness</span>....I am....living, yep, that's it, I'm living. The best I know, thanking God for where he has brought me. I realize that Eddie and I are still on our quest to have children and it keeps getting more and more difficult, but, when we are finally blessed with our children, we will love them until the day we both die, we will appreciate them and we will tell them how much they mean to us.<br />Parents, please cherish your precious children because someone wishes to be in your shoes and you never know other peoples struggle. So the next time you want to pull your hair out because they are driving you nuts, just think about that family who longs to have their empty arms filled with joy by holding a child of their own.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-76647650836659341122012-01-27T13:15:00.002-06:002012-01-27T13:27:22.083-06:00Feeling Left OutHave you ever felt left out? Yes, you say. Well, you understand how I feel these days. It seems like everyone is pregnant or having babies, and while I am not envious of anyone or have no ill feelings concerning another woman's pregnancy, I do however, wonder all the time why hasn't it happened for me. Am I so different from any other woman on earth, what seems to be the problem. Not only have we lost a child, now we are facing complications conceiving. Life can really seem unfair at times.<br />I had come to a place where I was settled in life, I was intentionally dealing with our loss, and embracing my feelings, whatever they may be. It was always in the back of my mind that I want to have children, but I was getting to the point where I was comfortable and not stressed about trying to conceive. And, let me tell you, IT IS STRESSFUL! But, I was in a pretty good place with it all. And then these thoughts starting finding their way into my mind, I have been longing so much to experience the completeness of pregnancy, I only tasted 16 weeks of it and I was robbed of what should have been one of the greatest joys life has to offer. Its almost like I can touch it; being pregnant again. Its just a really sad thing to deal with, not only the grief of losing your child, but having complications getting pregnant. I just don't get it, but I have to constantly remind myself that God hasn't forgotten about me!Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-75290661297794717672012-01-19T12:39:00.004-06:002012-01-19T13:11:01.087-06:002012Happy new year everyone! Sometimes its hard to believe were already in the year 2012, it kinda sounds funny to say..2012. I sure thought I would be at such a different place in life by now. Its funny how we make our plans, and things tend to go totally opposite of what we had planned. I thought for sure I'd have children by now, but here I am, and that hasn't happened yet. It seems to happen around me all the time, each of my closest friends have children or are pregnant now. I think often, "why hasn't it happened for me yet", what am I doing wrong. It just really seems unfair. To have tasted of the joys of being pregnant and then to have that stripped away is just not fair at all. I feel like I missed out on so much, and I want that experience so bad. I'm trying to believe with all my might that 2012 is going to be the year that we conceive and birth a healthy child. And that my friends is a full time job; believing that it will happen. Keeping the faith in God, that He is going to bring it to pass. I have no choice but to believe Him, I didn't believe for so long, and I still struggle with whether it will happen or not, but I fight thru it. I'm going to make an intentional effort to focus my energies toward standing on what God promised our family. I don't believe God would watch us go thru something so very tragic and not give us a reward for the things and pain we endured.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-29492111709807467782011-12-14T09:43:00.002-06:002011-12-14T09:56:33.055-06:00My FeelingsIt's hard to believe that it has been 1 year, 8 months and 4 days since Tre has been gone. That's a really long time, and some days it feels like it just happened. I wonder will it always feel like this. This is the worst emotional roller coaster ever. No person should go through this. The loss of a child is a feeling that is abnormal, I see how people grieve themselves to death, because the feeling is one that shouldn't be, a parent shouldn't be familiar with the pain of losing their child. But why do so many parents know this horrible feeling. I just don't understand. And as Christmas approaches, I feel this unspoken pressure to be happy and joyful. I do know the reason for Christmas, but I can't say that I'm happy or joyful. This is a time where I should have a tree up with gifts for my son under the tree. Instead I have a house empty of a Christmas tree or any decorations. I'm just not in the mood! I also get tired of people trying to force me to be happy, just let me have my time, please. I realize that this post is all over the place, but I just need to get some things off my mind. Truth be told, I just wish I could skip Christmas and jump right in to next year. But, that's not possible so I'll just take it one day at a time!Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-31687558050803436152011-11-29T11:57:00.003-06:002011-11-29T12:04:45.533-06:00Happy holidays can be "not so happy"Why do the holidays bring about such a somber feeling. This is the time where everyone should be overjoyed, and full of happiness. But for some, this time is a reminder of what one should have. At least, that's how I feel. I don't mean to be a party pooper, but I can remember when I was pregnant with Baby Tre, I was looking so forward to the holidays because it would be baby's first Thanksgiving and Christmas, I had even planned on buying little holiday outfits. But, that's not the case now, its just another day. I don't want to not focus on the meaning of the holiday time, but hey, these are my real feelings and I might as well share how I feel. Am I happy? Hmmmm, not sure I can say happy is how I'm feeling right now. I'm thankful and grateful for life, but I do feel like a large piece of who I am, and even who I was supposed to be, is missing. I am supposed to be a mother! I know some would say, "you are a mother", but to that I say, I don't have a baby to show for it, only emotional scars, which people can't see. I have to try extra hard to smile during this time, and I realize its a fight, and probably will be for a long time, and I'm okay with that.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-41887222614163252652011-11-10T12:37:00.003-06:002011-11-10T12:48:40.290-06:00Everyone else moves onLife is so funny sometimes. Its funny to me how quick others move on. In the beginning, everyone is so concerned about you and they call often, send cards, flowers, food, and other gifts. But as the weeks pass by, the phone calls cease, the cards stop coming and the gifts...well, they start to collect dust. I can't say that I expect people to not move on, but sometimes I stop and think to myself, "how could people so easily forget", as tragic as the situation was, how could they just get on with their life like normal. Then, I have to snap back into reality and I remind myself that it didn't happen to "them", it happened to me. That's how everyone else can move on so easy.<br />It is, however, just a tad hurtful to not be checked on as often and to not really have others ask in a sincere way, "how are you really doing"? I am in no way mad at anyone or directing this toward a specific person, I'm just sharing my "real thoughts" with you about how I feel as a mother who has lost a child. If you have a friend who has lost a baby, it can be 2 or 3 years later, you should still call from time to time and ask them how they are dealing, because just like everyone else moves on, we move on as well, but at a much, much slower pace. I like to call it an adjustment period. I'm not a firm believer in time healing all wounds, because some wounds get worse and some better with time. Life goes in cycles, and any day I could be at the good part or the bad part of life's cycle. That's why its nice to check and see where I or maybe some other mother or father is in their journey. Don't just forget about us and assume that things are good, because you never know. And while we have to move on, it is a bit harder to move on after you have lost the one who was literally a part of you.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-56067516350871800482011-09-28T10:47:00.003-05:002011-09-28T10:56:47.667-05:001 week ago todayHere it is, exactly one week after my baby's due date. The day we should have been celebrating his 1st birthday. Instead of a birthday party I had a day full of anxiety and frustration. The day began very strange. I had a really rough morning, but I eventually made it to work. I kinda felt like staying in the bed the entire day, but that's not very realistic when you have other things to do. So I went to work and got through the day the best way I knew how, pretending I was happy. But the truth is, it was a horrible day. Now, I don't want this to be a negative blog site, where I write about how awful my days are. But some days are just that, awful and sad, and all around not good. Wednesday, Sept. 21st happened to be one of those days. But today, I feel just fine, I'm not sad, I am pretty good. And I'm also proud of my better days, I don't have bad days as often as I used to and I'm thankful for that, I appreciate the happy times because so much of my time was spent sad, depressed and stuck where I was. But now I'm finding some sense of peace through it all. I don't understand why I went through what I did and I still question why very often. But I'm making it the way I know how, learning more and more to make a conscious effort to depend on God to be my strength, because my personal strength doesn't do a very good job. I encourage each of you to reach out to God, and give Him the things that even you don't understand.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-32442090292708649532011-09-15T16:26:00.002-05:002011-09-15T16:41:49.391-05:006 days awayI am 6 days away from the day my son should be turning 1. As I reflect on this time last year, I would not want to trade places with myself, I was a complete wreck, this year, I'm a small wreck, not as bad as I was last year, but still feeling some sadness. It doesn't seem as overwhelming as it was last year. I have to learn to appreciate the small milestones. It may not mean anything to anyone else, but to any other parent out there who has lost their child, I'm sure small steps are significant to you too. I can't exactly put into words how I feel, but if I had to describe it today, I would say...surreal. Even a whole year and 5 months later, the loss still sometimes seems a bit unreal, like it didn't happen. And it did happen, I have scars to prove it! But I sometimes think to myself, "I can't believe I have lost a child". I never imagined these words to be on the list of things I could say about my life. But, it is true, I lost a child. My firstborn, and it is really hard to live with. I kinda don't like the fact that everything seems to be a countdown. 6 days until his due date, 1 year and 5 months since I lost him. I know certain dates so well and I can vividly replay the events of that specific date in my head. That sure is something I wish to get rid of. Not fun! But how does one erase such horrid memories. The only joyful memories I have are; finding out I was pregnant, our first ultrasound, and our last ultrasound where baby boy was moving and jumping around so much in my belly. That's the last image that I have of him and I'm glad to have that, but the negatives beat the positive and that's my struggle. I don't want to sound like a complainer, but I really want people on the outside to understand what we deal with as parents. Its a very tough journey and I wouldn't want anyone to trade places with me.<br /><br />Signing off with a somber spirit,<br /><br />Stephanie~~Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-91269597135915162472011-09-06T17:07:00.002-05:002011-09-06T17:17:01.403-05:00What is life without you?This poem was written August 5, 2010<br /><br />When I found out about you, I couldn't imagine my life without you.<br />I longed for the days I would hold you, and all the time I would have to get to know you.<br />Even though carrying you was a bit much, I would give anything just to feel your touch.<br />My life has taken a sudden turn, one that I don't understand.<br />And everyday is hard, but I know God has a plan.<br />I have to trust Him through my tears and even through my fears.<br />I know that you are with Him, but how I want you here.<br />I want to know you, and you to know me. I want you to know how much of a blessing you would be.<br />There are no words to describe the pain I feel. Each new day the loss of you becomes more real.<br />There are so many questions that fill my mind;<br />How do I get through this, better yet, how do I survive?<br />A life without my child...How did I get here?<br />I don't have the answer just yet, but I know my path will be made clear.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-40308938497509138602011-09-06T17:01:00.002-05:002011-09-06T17:07:28.016-05:00To my baby boyThis poem was written 3 weeks after baby boy passed<br /><br />This is dedicated to my sweet baby boy,<br />Even though you never met me each day you brought me so much joy.<br />I had the privilege of you living and growing inside of me for 4 whole months<br />And when we met, our time together was much too short.<br />I don't yet understand just why you're not here with me,<br />but I do know for sure that you are safe in Glory.<br />I'm happy to know that you rest with Jesus, but<br />mommy and daddy miss you so much.<br />I think of you everyday, and I want you to know that I loved you in the most special way.<br />As the days, weeks, and months pass, and life goes by so very fast,<br />I want you to know that you will never be forgotten.<br />You are the ONE, for you will always be My first born son!Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-30036302413969271572011-09-06T16:36:00.004-05:002011-09-08T13:11:17.875-05:00Quiet TimesIts the quiet times that I dislike the most. Those are the times where my thoughts scare me. I can be doing something so simple and all of a sudden, my heart begins to flutter and tears fill my eyes. I realize when its really quiet something always reminds me that quiet is a word that I shouldn't be this familiar with. I should have a son who is fast approaching one year old. But instead I am left with a quiet home and sad thoughts. Unfortunately, today happens to be one of those days. Its been a really rainy and cold day, and I would love to be snuggled up with my baby singing him a song and rocking him to sleep, but instead I'm snuggled up under the covers in the living room on the sofa (which is a pretty comfortable spot), but it's not nearly as good as holding baby boy in my arms. I often wonder will quiet times always be like this, I'm sure they won't but its hard to see any other way at the moment.<br />Lately I have been feeling like my tears get stuck somewhere between sadness and my tear ducts, I want to cry, and I even need to cry, but its hard to come out some days. Why is that? I don't know but I am glad to have an outlet such as this to share my most intimate feelings. Most of the things I write I wouldn't say aloud. I express myself so much better by writing. And my hope is that by others reading this blog people will get a better understanding of how to deal with grieving parents and gain a small peek inside our minds. I hope to shed some light and help families deal with their loved one who just experienced losing a child.<br />I'm about 1 year and 5 months into this thing and I never saw myself making it this far, and I do mean never. I didn't plan on being around this long after my child died, I just didn't think I possessed the strength, and you know what, I didn't. I know for a fact now that it was absolutely the prayers of others that carried me through. Because if it had been up to me, I would have checked out long ago. But for whatever reason, I'm still here, and if I can make it, I am certain with everything in me that you can make it too. It has to be the hardest thing to deal with in life, but you make it the best way you know how.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-38907284203959121502011-08-03T09:33:00.003-05:002011-08-03T09:46:24.158-05:00I survivedOn my way to work this morning I was listening to a track on Mary Mary's CD called "Survive". Since the loss of baby Tre, words have such a significant meaning to me, its like I study words and their meaning so much more now. I don't know if its because after such a tragic event we are so much more sensitive, or maybe were just aware of every little thing. But as I listened, I not only sang along, but I totally agreed...I survived, something I thought I could never do, survive and live on after the death of my child. That even sounds so funny and looks funny on the page, but I am surviving. The best I know how. Some days I thrive and I'm happy, then other days, it seems like I'm barely making it, but at the end of it all, I am surviving. And that means so much to me, I'm realizing the joy in celebrating the small victories, being a parent who has lost a child, we have to definitely take it one day at a time, the next day or even second for that matter, isn't predictable. We never know when extreme sadness lurks in the background, its something that can happen and usually happens without warning. Today feels weird for me, I don't really know why, but last night like most nights, I glanced over at baby boy's ultrasound photos and gave a faint smile. I thought to myself, "what was that smile for"? I still don't know why I smiled, maybe I smiled because I love him so much, or maybe I smiled because I'm glad to have those photos of him, or maybe I smiled so I wouldn't burst out into tears. But either way...I did smile. But today I feel like crying, at this moment, its hard to pin point my feeling, but if I had to give it a name, I would say somber. And on that note, I'm going to go tell God all about it, yep, He can surely help.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-17393458543930074752011-06-28T10:54:00.002-05:002011-06-28T11:06:09.547-05:00One yearWhat a difference one year makes! This time last year I was laying in a hospital room drifting in and out of consciousness. I wanted to just give up on life, literally, I didn't want to live anymore. I had wished so many times(and I even said out loud that I wished I would die during the surgery) that I would die because at times the pain was too much for me to handle, and yes, life can give you more than you can handle. I know that everyone says God won't put more on you than you can bear, but life and situations can definitely do it.<br />As I reflect on this time last year, I have to give God all the praise and glory because I know it has to be Him who has brought me this far. Even when I was so angry with Him and pretty much hated him because I felt like He disappointed me, He was still there right by my side. Sometimes I wonder why God loves us so much when we treat Him so bad, His love is truly amazing. Some days I feel like I'm not my "old" self, but I guess I will never be my old self. Life experiences can change who we are at the very core and that's probably normal. I would like to encourage some mother who is feeling at her worst and feeling like she has nothing else to live for; don't give up on life, not now, please. Your story of endurance will touch the lives of many, and there were and still are days where I felt I would never get to the "other side" of this sadness and depression, but I'm slowly walking that way. I feel my steps getting a little easier and my path is getting clearer.<br />I miss my sweet baby boy more than ever, and on days like this where the rain is falling and its a bit gloomy out, I just wish I was holding him in my arms giving him the comfort that only a mother can give. I would give anything to hold him and gaze into his precious eyes. There is a small amount of sadness in my heart because of what I do not have at this moment, but there is also a light for what I do have.... My Life. Let's all be grateful.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-342333570671353462011-06-08T10:02:00.002-05:002011-06-08T10:05:07.371-05:00What to do and say when a friend loses a babyHere is a link to a wonderful article that was shared with me by one of the members of the yahoo support group I'm a part of. Please read and pass along to all of your family and friends.<br />http://liferearranged.com/2011/06/what-to-dosay-when-a-friend-experiences-loss-infant-lossmiscarriage/Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-28444014632040381062011-05-31T12:40:00.004-05:002011-05-31T12:49:23.107-05:00Here I AmI never imagined I would make it this far. 1 year later, here I am, still alive. Its truly a miracle because there have certainly been times within this year that I have wanted so badly to just die, I thought I would be better off dead because the pain seemed too unbearable. But, here I am, thank God. I know He still has a plan for me because I'm still here. I would like to take this time to encourage those mothers who are new in their journey. Those 1st few weeks can seem so unreal and most of the time you're numb. If I were face to face I would give you a great big hug, cry with you, and tell you with certainty that it will get easier. I don't think the pain disappears, but everyday life will get smoother. Some days will be better than others. My top advice is always: don't put yourself on a timeline, grieve as you need to. As I think back to this time last year, I was walking around like a zombie, so dazed and confused, so grief stricken and so hurt. But here I am a year later, I'm not perfect, but I get a little bit stronger day by day. Some days I can do nothing but cry and hide out from the world, then some days, I smile a lot, I'm happy and I have a drive for life. So don't feel like you should be in a certain place on your journey, just take it slow.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-88143784643089630662011-05-24T22:49:00.002-05:002011-05-24T22:59:20.177-05:00SadI'm just sad right now. Nothing major happened, I have been on the computer for the last few hours doing some research, and all of a sudden a sadness just came over me. Sometimes I get so angry at how quiet it is in our house. We should have a noisy home, a crying baby should be here. But instead, silence feels this 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house. My husband and I are here, just the two of us when it should be the three of us. I don't like having a missing family member. The thing that saddens me most of the time is knowing what will never be, things I'll never get to experience with my baby boy. Why did this happen to me, why does this happen to anyone, why do people lose their children. These questions are normal but the answer will not make me feel any better. When things happen that we don't understand its natural to ask why. I still do all the time. Even if I knew the answer it wouldn't bring my son back, so why ask why.<br />Signing off with sadnessStephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-26449708136030532052011-05-20T17:00:00.002-05:002011-05-20T17:07:16.558-05:00Life gets betterHave you ever been in the middle of something and a thought captures your attention. That happens to me all the time, I can be driving to work or listening to the radio or washing dishes, and all of a sudden a sadness comes over me because I think of my baby boy. It makes me sad that we didn't get the chance to form any memories together and on those quiet days I'm reminded that someone's missing because there is no noise. There are lots of things in my life that I'm truly grateful for and I don't want to appear as ungrateful or unthankful, however, there is a large piece of my life missing...my child. No one plans to live like this, I never thought I'd be here, in this place, this very unfamiliar place. But here I am, learning to slowly walk through minute by minute. So for those moms out there who may have recently experienced baby loss, don't rush through your grief, take it one second at a time. Don't put yourself on a timeline either, there is no expiration date on your sadness. Nothing makes it better I guess, even though someday and somehow it will get better.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-28974406101369762482011-05-07T21:50:00.002-05:002011-05-07T21:55:49.149-05:00Get ready for mother's day...Here we go again. Mother's day is tomorrow. It feels like there's a lump in my throat. I can't say that I'm feeling mother's day very much right now. I know at church they might ask all the mothers to stand and be recognized...I'm always confused by things like this. Do I stand and risk those who don't know my story looking at me like, "and where are your children missy", or do I sit and still have people look at me like they feel sorry for me. My heart always skips a beat when people ask if we have children. I wonder if I'll ever figure out how to properly answer this question. Maybe one day I'll find the answer, but until then, let's get through yet another childless mother's day. And happy mother's day everyone (seriously)Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4402802678767832182.post-45424680470552822682011-05-03T12:48:00.002-05:002011-05-03T12:53:54.342-05:00Praying for the tornado victimsI just want to take some time to ask everyone to say a prayer for those families in the South who were affected by the horrible tornado and storms that swept across our area last week. Its almost surreal when I look at youtube videos to see what was taking place just outside my window, we didn't have any power so we couldn't see the news and we had no idea what was really going on. I am just glad to be alive, although I realize others were not as fortunate as myself. I am praying for the families who lost loved ones. It is truly heartbreaking to drive through areas that lost everything, I can't imagine losing my entire home like some did. We have a really long way to go and I pray that God will give us the guidance we need to pick up the pieces of our lives and to truly live each day with love in our hearts and not take any moment for granted.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06628372853428694593noreply@blogger.com1