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Friday, August 2, 2013

This post is going to be slightly different from most of my posts. Infertility...what a word!! I almost don't like the word as much as I don't like the word miscarriage. These words aren't big enough to describe what really happens. Miscarriage is a horrible word in my opinion. Its so small compared to how big the loss of a child is to a parent. Infertility is a word that scares people away often. Its an unwanted label that no one asked for.

Month after month I go through this weird ritual of being positive and hopeful and thinking "this will be the month for sure"! I give myself that "pep talk" every single month. Only to be disappointed once again. It usually goes a little like this....this month is it for real, happiness, expecting good news in a few days, still being positive and hopeful, BOOM, BANG...cycle day 1..extreme disappointment, sadness, depressed, why does this always happen, well, I can't change it so just get over the fact that you're not pregnant this month, on to the next month. And so begins the cycle again month after month.

So, do you see how exhausting that cycle is and how extremely emotional that is for a person to deal with. Then imagine having to have the "fertility treatment" talk with your husband. Who wants to talk about paying for a child, thousands and thousands of dollars, just to have a kid. No one ever thinks they'll have to have this conversation with their spouse. Well, at least I never thought I'd have to. I am giving you a real look into what goes on with Infertility. Its funny how most of us when we were single spent most times trying not to get pregnant, and now that were married were spending way more time (and money and sanity) trying to get pregnant. That doesn't really make sense, but that's life...for some...for me.
This journey is really, really hard. Its like I have to fight for what to focus my attention on, I miss my child, I grieve for him, I long to feel him, to know him, I miss him so much it hurts sometimes. I desperately want children, I want to experience pregnancy again, I want to bond with another human being on a level that is beyond this world. Both sides are kinda sad, but its real life. I want to be hopeful and positive and believe that its going to happen for us, but sometimes that is really hard, really almost impossible for me to keep getting my hopes up only to be let down...again. 
I don't know the answer. Please don't give me the God-has-a-blessing-just-for-you type cliche thing or the when-you-stop-trying-that's-when-it'll-happen. I know, I know...just please hear my heart on this issue, I just have to get it out, get it off my chest. I get angry when I think of the cards we've been dealt, but I can't change it. Deal with it! Toughen up some! Okay, okay I'm a big girl. Miscarriage and Infertility will not get the best of me. 

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Are You My Mother?

Hi there everybody. It has been a really long time since I've written my feelings here. I have actually been putting my feelings to the back burner lately, which isn't good, I know. So much has happened since my last post. I have wanted to write so many times, but I've been a little afraid, because it means I have to face how I feel, which can sometimes be a little ugly.
Guess I'll start with Mother's Day, well, you know the drill I'm sure, it was a tough day, anxiety filled. I put so much pressure on myself to not feel "weird" on Mother's Day. But I do, I feel empty and like I'm really missing out on the best feeling in the world...being a "real" mom. I battled the question once again, "Am I really a Mother?" Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not, at least that's how I feel. I hate when they ask the Mother's to stand up in church, I don't want to, but I don't want people looking at me to see what my response will be. My heart races and I get flushed. I really hate that feeling.
I miss you son, I really do. I started going to counseling again a few weeks ago and I've had to face some hard truths that I don't want to face, but its necessary. I'm somewhat a turtle, I like to crawl in my shell when things get tough, but that's not life, I know. The feelings one experiences after losing a child, those feelings are tough and they are no fun. Life is forever changed. I still wonder what my son would be like now, he would almost be 3 years old, wow, me with a 3 year old. My life would be so different if that were the case. I hate what if!! Its not a profitable feeling at all, what if this, what if that; I'll never know.
I haven't cried in a while and I haven't looked at his pictures either, I need to do that because I want to feel close to him so bad, I long for him so much, I need him and I miss him

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Pictures worth 10,000 words

Tonight, I looked at my baby's pictures. At first I was afraid, I didn't know what emotion I would feel at first glance. As always, I smiled..... then I cried. I often touch the photos as if I'm touching him, his skin. What I wouldn't give to feel him one more time. As I turned the pages in the photo book I was amazed at how much he looks like me...and Eddie too. He was really a complete make up of Eddie and I, a perfect combination. I get angry when I think about what we went through, and I still don't understand, maybe I never will. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I want to scream it very loud. I'm home alone and I won't do that, but in my head, I'm screaming.
Grief is one of those horrible things that can sneak up on you like a robber. You had no idea it was coming, catches you totally off guard. Just when you think things are smooth something slaps you in the face. I know the holidays are upon us and I have been fighting against depression. For some reason now, the holidays are a reminder of what I don't have, not all the "things" I don't have, but my son whom I don't have. I know you're thinking, "well, you're ungrateful", not ungrateful at all, I realize how blessed I am, but its also nights like this, when I'm here alone, and its extra quiet, that shouldn't be the case. I would love to have a noisy house because I'm chasing around a 2 year old little boy. I don't have that, instead I'm looking at pictures of my baby who didn't survive. That is a pretty tough pill to swallow. I am mad that he's gone, I am angry that I feel so incomplete, something, no someone is missing from my life and I know who it is, but I can't change anything. Yes, I will keep living and loving, yes, I will smile and be happy, but I will also cry, get angry, get mad, get even madder because I don't understand.
I will keep glancing at baby boy's pictures for the rest of my life, and I'm sure I'll cry and smile every single time, my heart goes through a couple different emotions when I look at his pictures, and I'm sure that will never change.