6 days away

I am 6 days away from the day my son should be turning 1. As I reflect on this time last year, I would not want to trade places with myself, I was a complete wreck, this year, I'm a small wreck, not as bad as I was last year, but still feeling some sadness. It doesn't seem as overwhelming as it was last year. I have to learn to appreciate the small milestones. It may not mean anything to anyone else, but to any other parent out there who has lost their child, I'm sure small steps are significant to you too. I can't exactly put into words how I feel, but if I had to describe it today, I would say...surreal. Even a whole year and 5 months later, the loss still sometimes seems a bit unreal, like it didn't happen. And it did happen, I have scars to prove it! But I sometimes think to myself, "I can't believe I have lost a child". I never imagined these words to be on the list of things I could say about my life. But, it is true, I lost a child. My firstborn, and it is really hard to live with. I kinda don't like the fact that everything seems to be a countdown. 6 days until his due date, 1 year and 5 months since I lost him. I know certain dates so well and I can vividly replay the events of that specific date in my head. That sure is something I wish to get rid of. Not fun! But how does one erase such horrid memories. The only joyful memories I have are; finding out I was pregnant, our first ultrasound, and our last ultrasound where baby boy was moving and jumping around so much in my belly. That's the last image that I have of him and I'm glad to have that, but the negatives beat the positive and that's my struggle. I don't want to sound like a complainer, but I really want people on the outside to understand what we deal with as parents. Its a very tough journey and I wouldn't want anyone to trade places with me.

Signing off with a somber spirit,

Stephanie~~