Quiet Times

Its the quiet times that I dislike the most. Those are the times where my thoughts scare me. I can be doing something so simple and all of a sudden, my heart begins to flutter and tears fill my eyes. I realize when its really quiet something always reminds me that quiet is a word that I shouldn't be this familiar with. I should have a son who is fast approaching one year old. But instead I am left with a quiet home and sad thoughts. Unfortunately, today happens to be one of those days. Its been a really rainy and cold day, and I would love to be snuggled up with my baby singing him a song and rocking him to sleep, but instead I'm snuggled up under the covers in the living room on the sofa (which is a pretty comfortable spot), but it's not nearly as good as holding baby boy in my arms. I often wonder will quiet times always be like this, I'm sure they won't but its hard to see any other way at the moment.
Lately I have been feeling like my tears get stuck somewhere between sadness and my tear ducts, I want to cry, and I even need to cry, but its hard to come out some days. Why is that? I don't know but I am glad to have an outlet such as this to share my most intimate feelings. Most of the things I write I wouldn't say aloud. I express myself so much better by writing. And my hope is that by others reading this blog people will get a better understanding of how to deal with grieving parents and gain a small peek inside our minds. I hope to shed some light and help families deal with their loved one who just experienced losing a child.
I'm about 1 year and 5 months into this thing and I never saw myself making it this far, and I do mean never. I didn't plan on being around this long after my child died, I just didn't think I possessed the strength, and you know what, I didn't. I know for a fact now that it was absolutely the prayers of others that carried me through. Because if it had been up to me, I would have checked out long ago. But for whatever reason, I'm still here, and if I can make it, I am certain with everything in me that you can make it too. It has to be the hardest thing to deal with in life, but you make it the best way you know how.