Here I Am

I never imagined I would make it this far. 1 year later, here I am, still alive. Its truly a miracle because there have certainly been times within this year that I have wanted so badly to just die, I thought I would be better off dead because the pain seemed too unbearable. But, here I am, thank God. I know He still has a plan for me because I'm still here. I would like to take this time to encourage those mothers who are new in their journey. Those 1st few weeks can seem so unreal and most of the time you're numb. If I were face to face I would give you a great big hug, cry with you, and tell you with certainty that it will get easier. I don't think the pain disappears, but everyday life will get smoother. Some days will be better than others. My top advice is always: don't put yourself on a timeline, grieve as you need to. As I think back to this time last year, I was walking around like a zombie, so dazed and confused, so grief stricken and so hurt. But here I am a year later, I'm not perfect, but I get a little bit stronger day by day. Some days I can do nothing but cry and hide out from the world, then some days, I smile a lot, I'm happy and I have a drive for life. So don't feel like you should be in a certain place on your journey, just take it slow.

Sad

I'm just sad right now. Nothing major happened, I have been on the computer for the last few hours doing some research, and all of a sudden a sadness just came over me. Sometimes I get so angry at how quiet it is in our house. We should have a noisy home, a crying baby should be here. But instead, silence feels this 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house. My husband and I are here, just the two of us when it should be the three of us. I don't like having a missing family member. The thing that saddens me most of the time is knowing what will never be, things I'll never get to experience with my baby boy. Why did this happen to me, why does this happen to anyone, why do people lose their children. These questions are normal but the answer will not make me feel any better. When things happen that we don't understand its natural to ask why. I still do all the time. Even if I knew the answer it wouldn't bring my son back, so why ask why.
Signing off with sadness

Life gets better

Have you ever been in the middle of something and a thought captures your attention. That happens to me all the time, I can be driving to work or listening to the radio or washing dishes, and all of a sudden a sadness comes over me because I think of my baby boy. It makes me sad that we didn't get the chance to form any memories together and on those quiet days I'm reminded that someone's missing because there is no noise. There are lots of things in my life that I'm truly grateful for and I don't want to appear as ungrateful or unthankful, however, there is a large piece of my life missing...my child. No one plans to live like this, I never thought I'd be here, in this place, this very unfamiliar place. But here I am, learning to slowly walk through minute by minute. So for those moms out there who may have recently experienced baby loss, don't rush through your grief, take it one second at a time. Don't put yourself on a timeline either, there is no expiration date on your sadness. Nothing makes it better I guess, even though someday and somehow it will get better.

Get ready for mother's day...

Here we go again. Mother's day is tomorrow. It feels like there's a lump in my throat. I can't say that I'm feeling mother's day very much right now. I know at church they might ask all the mothers to stand and be recognized...I'm always confused by things like this. Do I stand and risk those who don't know my story looking at me like, "and where are your children missy", or do I sit and still have people look at me like they feel sorry for me. My heart always skips a beat when people ask if we have children. I wonder if I'll ever figure out how to properly answer this question. Maybe one day I'll find the answer, but until then, let's get through yet another childless mother's day. And happy mother's day everyone (seriously)

Praying for the tornado victims

I just want to take some time to ask everyone to say a prayer for those families in the South who were affected by the horrible tornado and storms that swept across our area last week. Its almost surreal when I look at youtube videos to see what was taking place just outside my window, we didn't have any power so we couldn't see the news and we had no idea what was really going on. I am just glad to be alive, although I realize others were not as fortunate as myself. I am praying for the families who lost loved ones. It is truly heartbreaking to drive through areas that lost everything, I can't imagine losing my entire home like some did. We have a really long way to go and I pray that God will give us the guidance we need to pick up the pieces of our lives and to truly live each day with love in our hearts and not take any moment for granted.