Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Life with regrets
Don’t you hate to have regrets? It’s so hard when you’ve gone through a situation and then on the other side, you find out that you had options to do things a different way, and you REGRET it. Well, welcome to my life. I wish we had taken pictures of baby boy, I wish I would have held him longer, I didn’t know..I thought I had to rush and give him back to the nurses. I wish we would have had a funeral or memorial service for him. I didn’t even know we had to option to take his body with us. Why didn’t the hospital staff tell us these things? No one knows these things in the moment, because no mother is planning for the death of her unborn child. These thoughts swim through my mind almost everyday. And it is really hard when other angel parents have pictures of their babies to show and all I have are a few ultrasound pictures and a little certificate with one footprint on it, now, I am very grateful to have these things; I just wish I had more. You know what would be even better, if I had him, there would be no regrets at all… But that’s not realistic is it! Oh well, back to reality. I hate living with regrets!!!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Let's talk dates, and other stuff
Dates are so significant to me since losing my baby. It’s only been 1 year 2 weeks and 2 days since losing Tre. I was actually dreading this month with all my being, I was so nervous about how I would feel, if I would be depressed and unmotivated. So when the month began I started it with lots of anxiety and headaches. April of last year really began my nightmare. And while I am so thankful for where God has brought me from, I still walk thru the month with a bit of sadness. I have such a hard time not referring back to where I was this time last year. It makes me cry when I think of all the pain I endured and how mistreated I was by the doctors, nurses and hospital staff. I often wonder and ask God why. No answer, but hey, I ask…often. I actually still deal with lots of anger as to why I experienced what I did, I think often, “why couldn’t I have had a regular miscarriage”? Now, I realize that sounds strange and I hope that doesn’t offend anyone, but I have had this thought so many times. Why all the unbearable pain, why do I know what contractions feel like and why do I know what it’s like to be in labor, why have I experienced my water breaking, and why have I given birth. And after all of that, still no baby to show. That’s the part that makes me really angry. But! I have to work through the anger. I was so mad at God for so long and I was blaming Him for something that wasn’t even his fault. He didn’t take my baby, he wouldn’t bless my womb then kill my baby. I was so blind and it seems common to automatically blame God when tragedy strikes. I wonder why this happens. The one we should be running to with all of our hurt, anger, pain, frustration, and confusion; we run in the opposite direction. I’m sure God is used to it though, but I want to encourage you to run to Him, if you don’t run now, you’ll be just like me, running around in a never ending circle, getting nothing accomplished and more miserable than before. But you’ll end up right back in His arms, at least I pray you end up there. My mom told me shortly after the miscarriage that God can handle our being mad at Him, He’s just that big. I didn’t get it then, but as I think back on that statement, I realize how I should have reacted. I should have taken my anger to Jesus’ feet and left it there so He could help me work through it the proper way.
This time last year, I’m sure I was in a daze, still in shock and denial. And I still looked pregnant so I would get asked all the time when was I due or how far along I was. It was like stabbing me in the same place over and over. Now here I am, 1 year later and when people ask if I have any children, I get that same queasy feeling in my stomach and my heart starts to pound. Sometimes I say no children yet, and other times I say, I have one son in Heaven. It’s so hard to figure out the proper response, there is one side of me that feels like I want to tell the world about my precious baby boy…who is no longer here, which usually makes people give the “oh I feel so sorry for you” face and the awkward silence. Then there is the other side of me who thinks, well, If I say yes I have children, then more and more questions that I don’t have the answer to will follow. So, what’s a mom to do, I haven’t figured it out just yet, but when I do I’ll let you know. Remember: Let’s take this journey one day at a time!
This time last year, I’m sure I was in a daze, still in shock and denial. And I still looked pregnant so I would get asked all the time when was I due or how far along I was. It was like stabbing me in the same place over and over. Now here I am, 1 year later and when people ask if I have any children, I get that same queasy feeling in my stomach and my heart starts to pound. Sometimes I say no children yet, and other times I say, I have one son in Heaven. It’s so hard to figure out the proper response, there is one side of me that feels like I want to tell the world about my precious baby boy…who is no longer here, which usually makes people give the “oh I feel so sorry for you” face and the awkward silence. Then there is the other side of me who thinks, well, If I say yes I have children, then more and more questions that I don’t have the answer to will follow. So, what’s a mom to do, I haven’t figured it out just yet, but when I do I’ll let you know. Remember: Let’s take this journey one day at a time!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tre's story
Hello people. I would like to share the story of my 16 week pregnancy with you all. This is quite a long story, but its important for me to share it with each of you. I'll begin with a little background first; Eddie and I had been married for about 3 years or so when we jointly decided that we wanted to start a family. From there begins the journey...which was quite peaceful. We had been trying for about 8 months before we got pregnant. On Thursday, Jan 21st after I decided to take a pregnancy test because I was a few days late; which was no biggie for me, but I had 3 test strips in the bathroom so I figured I'd go ahead and take a test. I almost fell to the ground when I walked back into the bathroom, scared to look at the test for a fear of a big fat negative!! Well, to my surprise I got just the opposite. I was home alone so I couldn't run and give my hubby a big hug and say, "look, look, honey were pregnant", so I just cried and thanked God for answering our prayer and blessing us with a baby.
I shared the news with my husband, he was excited, even though he's a pretty mellow guy, he had a cute way of showing me his excitement, but I must inform you there was no jumping up and down or screaming to the top of his lungs, that was for me to do!!! We had decided that we'd share the news with only our parents and siblings. So we did, and they were over the moon, as this would be the 1st grandchild on both sides. At 6 weeks morning sickness begin and I was nauseous every single day. I didn't have much of an appetite and I had headaches very often and lots of heartburn. I didn't care about how much irritability I had to deal with, I was carrying life, and that meant something so great to me.
My pregnancy was seemingly good, nothing out of the ordinary and no complications. We made it safely through the 1st trimester. I felt like I could take a breather. We've all heard that pregnancy loss chances decrease in the 2nd trimester, so I felt like I was good. Things were going great I thought, but it all changed suddenly:
On the night of Apr. 3, I began to have lower abdominal pain. I didn't really know what to expect as this was my 1st pregnancy. The pain was more annoying I thought than major enough for it to be considered a red flag. The next day was Easter Sunday, and like most, I went to church. Throughout service the pain was bearable but strange. The whole day I kept wondering if this was normal. I made it through Sunday. Monday morning came and the pain had worsened so I called my dr. and he told me to come in. He checked my cervix and informed me that it was still thick and there was no dilating, he told me not to worry. I left the doc still in pain, but confident that my dr's words were true. The pain got more and more intense as the days passed, I wasn't getting any rest or eating much. Wednesday morning came and the pain hadn't subsided so I called my doc again. He told me to go to L&D and they would check me for kidney stones. I got there and they hooked me up to the contractions monitor and thankfully I wasn't contracting. One positive of that day, I found out we were having a baby boy!! OH MY GOD!!! A BOY! I knew it!!! I was so happy, but kinda bummed out that hubby wasn't there to see him on the screen. I called him and told him, he was so happy to have his little man, finally. Doc came in later and said all the tests and ultrasounds looked fine, and he thought my bowels were obstructed b/c my abdomen was distended. I found this strange b/c I wasn't having any problems with bowel movements. He told me to take laxatives and stool softeners. I left there, still in pain, but optimistic and confused at the same time. Thursday came and I was still in pain, and hadn't been to work all week. I found myself in the ER later that evening, the doc was horrible, I explained to him what was going on throughout the week, he didn't perform any tests, he just told me I was constipated and gave me an enema and more laxatives. I didn't have any proof of anything else being wrong so I didn't even know how to express to the docs. I felt I had to take their word for it.
Friday rolled around and the pain had gotten so bad, it was beginning to become unbearable. Friday nite I noticed a small amount of blood in my urine so I called L&D and explained to them what was happening throughout the week, and the nurse told me I was miscarrying and I should go to the ER asap! That startled me of course, but I ran and got E and told him what she said. We went to the ER and were able to get seen fairly quickly, thank God. Once I got to the hospital I begin to bleed more and I was having contractions (I didn't know at the time). The nurse was able to hear baby Tre's heartbeat and it was 126 b.p.m. I was so happy and I just knew everything would be fine. I felt like hearing the heartbeat was reassuring that everything would work out. The ER doc did all kinds of exams and after the exams I begin to bleed very heavy and my water broke, I had no idea what it was and the nurse acted as if she didn't notice it and walked out of the room. Finally the doc came in and told us that my cervix was thinning and I was dilating and we were miscarrying and there was nothing else they could do for us. I just couldn't believe he was saying those words. He wrote me a prescription for pain meds and sent us on our way.
Even though my water had broken and I was having contractions it never registered that I would lose my son, I was so hopeful and sure that he would survive. On our way home we talked about how tired we were and how we couldn't wait to get some rest. When I got home I felt the urge to urinate, I did and that's when I gave birth to my precious baby boy. I sat there thinking this was a dream, it had to be a dream, it wasn't really happening and I didn't just give birth in my bathroom toilet. I screamed for hubby and he came to my rescue, placed a towel over my legs and called the paramedics. They took us back to the hospital and the doc performed a d&c. I was released from the hospital 3 days later after loads of pain, and so began life without my baby boy.
I shared the news with my husband, he was excited, even though he's a pretty mellow guy, he had a cute way of showing me his excitement, but I must inform you there was no jumping up and down or screaming to the top of his lungs, that was for me to do!!! We had decided that we'd share the news with only our parents and siblings. So we did, and they were over the moon, as this would be the 1st grandchild on both sides. At 6 weeks morning sickness begin and I was nauseous every single day. I didn't have much of an appetite and I had headaches very often and lots of heartburn. I didn't care about how much irritability I had to deal with, I was carrying life, and that meant something so great to me.
My pregnancy was seemingly good, nothing out of the ordinary and no complications. We made it safely through the 1st trimester. I felt like I could take a breather. We've all heard that pregnancy loss chances decrease in the 2nd trimester, so I felt like I was good. Things were going great I thought, but it all changed suddenly:
On the night of Apr. 3, I began to have lower abdominal pain. I didn't really know what to expect as this was my 1st pregnancy. The pain was more annoying I thought than major enough for it to be considered a red flag. The next day was Easter Sunday, and like most, I went to church. Throughout service the pain was bearable but strange. The whole day I kept wondering if this was normal. I made it through Sunday. Monday morning came and the pain had worsened so I called my dr. and he told me to come in. He checked my cervix and informed me that it was still thick and there was no dilating, he told me not to worry. I left the doc still in pain, but confident that my dr's words were true. The pain got more and more intense as the days passed, I wasn't getting any rest or eating much. Wednesday morning came and the pain hadn't subsided so I called my doc again. He told me to go to L&D and they would check me for kidney stones. I got there and they hooked me up to the contractions monitor and thankfully I wasn't contracting. One positive of that day, I found out we were having a baby boy!! OH MY GOD!!! A BOY! I knew it!!! I was so happy, but kinda bummed out that hubby wasn't there to see him on the screen. I called him and told him, he was so happy to have his little man, finally. Doc came in later and said all the tests and ultrasounds looked fine, and he thought my bowels were obstructed b/c my abdomen was distended. I found this strange b/c I wasn't having any problems with bowel movements. He told me to take laxatives and stool softeners. I left there, still in pain, but optimistic and confused at the same time. Thursday came and I was still in pain, and hadn't been to work all week. I found myself in the ER later that evening, the doc was horrible, I explained to him what was going on throughout the week, he didn't perform any tests, he just told me I was constipated and gave me an enema and more laxatives. I didn't have any proof of anything else being wrong so I didn't even know how to express to the docs. I felt I had to take their word for it.
Friday rolled around and the pain had gotten so bad, it was beginning to become unbearable. Friday nite I noticed a small amount of blood in my urine so I called L&D and explained to them what was happening throughout the week, and the nurse told me I was miscarrying and I should go to the ER asap! That startled me of course, but I ran and got E and told him what she said. We went to the ER and were able to get seen fairly quickly, thank God. Once I got to the hospital I begin to bleed more and I was having contractions (I didn't know at the time). The nurse was able to hear baby Tre's heartbeat and it was 126 b.p.m. I was so happy and I just knew everything would be fine. I felt like hearing the heartbeat was reassuring that everything would work out. The ER doc did all kinds of exams and after the exams I begin to bleed very heavy and my water broke, I had no idea what it was and the nurse acted as if she didn't notice it and walked out of the room. Finally the doc came in and told us that my cervix was thinning and I was dilating and we were miscarrying and there was nothing else they could do for us. I just couldn't believe he was saying those words. He wrote me a prescription for pain meds and sent us on our way.
Even though my water had broken and I was having contractions it never registered that I would lose my son, I was so hopeful and sure that he would survive. On our way home we talked about how tired we were and how we couldn't wait to get some rest. When I got home I felt the urge to urinate, I did and that's when I gave birth to my precious baby boy. I sat there thinking this was a dream, it had to be a dream, it wasn't really happening and I didn't just give birth in my bathroom toilet. I screamed for hubby and he came to my rescue, placed a towel over my legs and called the paramedics. They took us back to the hospital and the doc performed a d&c. I was released from the hospital 3 days later after loads of pain, and so began life without my baby boy.
Finally!!
Greetings and welcome to my blog! This is actually long overdue for me. I have developed a strange habit for keeping things in when these feelings should be let out (sometimes). I have decided to start this blog because I want to remember my precious baby boy and I also want to tell the world how important he will always be to me. Carrying a child is something that can never be forgotten, even though the first few weeks after Tre's death, I was so afraid that I would forget about him and that kept me in a place of pain too long. I have since learned that I will never forget that I carried him, I also gave birth to him, I held him, and most importantly I loved him. He will forever hold such a special place in my heart. What I wouldn't give to hold him again, I wish I would have held on to him for hours.
Well, I am happy to have this avenue to share with you my feelings, the ups and downs of life after pregnancy loss, and living life without the child you once planned to live the rest of your life with. Let's walk through this journey together. Welcome!!!
Well, I am happy to have this avenue to share with you my feelings, the ups and downs of life after pregnancy loss, and living life without the child you once planned to live the rest of your life with. Let's walk through this journey together. Welcome!!!
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