Dates are so significant to me since losing my baby. It’s only been 1 year 2 weeks and 2 days since losing Tre. I was actually dreading this month with all my being, I was so nervous about how I would feel, if I would be depressed and unmotivated. So when the month began I started it with lots of anxiety and headaches. April of last year really began my nightmare. And while I am so thankful for where God has brought me from, I still walk thru the month with a bit of sadness. I have such a hard time not referring back to where I was this time last year. It makes me cry when I think of all the pain I endured and how mistreated I was by the doctors, nurses and hospital staff. I often wonder and ask God why. No answer, but hey, I ask…often. I actually still deal with lots of anger as to why I experienced what I did, I think often, “why couldn’t I have had a regular miscarriage”? Now, I realize that sounds strange and I hope that doesn’t offend anyone, but I have had this thought so many times. Why all the unbearable pain, why do I know what contractions feel like and why do I know what it’s like to be in labor, why have I experienced my water breaking, and why have I given birth. And after all of that, still no baby to show. That’s the part that makes me really angry. But! I have to work through the anger. I was so mad at God for so long and I was blaming Him for something that wasn’t even his fault. He didn’t take my baby, he wouldn’t bless my womb then kill my baby. I was so blind and it seems common to automatically blame God when tragedy strikes. I wonder why this happens. The one we should be running to with all of our hurt, anger, pain, frustration, and confusion; we run in the opposite direction. I’m sure God is used to it though, but I want to encourage you to run to Him, if you don’t run now, you’ll be just like me, running around in a never ending circle, getting nothing accomplished and more miserable than before. But you’ll end up right back in His arms, at least I pray you end up there. My mom told me shortly after the miscarriage that God can handle our being mad at Him, He’s just that big. I didn’t get it then, but as I think back on that statement, I realize how I should have reacted. I should have taken my anger to Jesus’ feet and left it there so He could help me work through it the proper way.
This time last year, I’m sure I was in a daze, still in shock and denial. And I still looked pregnant so I would get asked all the time when was I due or how far along I was. It was like stabbing me in the same place over and over. Now here I am, 1 year later and when people ask if I have any children, I get that same queasy feeling in my stomach and my heart starts to pound. Sometimes I say no children yet, and other times I say, I have one son in Heaven. It’s so hard to figure out the proper response, there is one side of me that feels like I want to tell the world about my precious baby boy…who is no longer here, which usually makes people give the “oh I feel so sorry for you” face and the awkward silence. Then there is the other side of me who thinks, well, If I say yes I have children, then more and more questions that I don’t have the answer to will follow. So, what’s a mom to do, I haven’t figured it out just yet, but when I do I’ll let you know. Remember: Let’s take this journey one day at a time!
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