Mixed emotions yet again

Well, here it is, one day before my birthday. For some reason I'm feeling really nervous, and also feeling a little down, not really in a celebratory mood. Sometimes the guilt of being happy jumps at me unannounced. Its a very hard place to be, you know you can't stop your life, but to just "go on" like normal doesn't seem right. Here I am about to turn 30 and boy did I have things mapped out, I would at least be on child #2 by now, but instead, I have empty arms and am left with the painful memory of giving birth to a child months too early by force. I will make the best of these mixed emotions though. I know that 30 is a big deal, and I am glad to have lived to see it, as so many haven't. So, Stephanie...suck it up and be happy!!! OK!
On another note, I have to share the most awesome news ever. After 2 years and 2 months, I now have pictures of my sweet baby boy. Who would have thought something like this could happen. On that dreaded day of April 10, 2010, a very sweet lady took it upon herself and her wonderful instincts to take pictures (without our consent because of the hospital not asking us) She told me that she just "felt" like she had to take the pictures. It just so happened that we were in the same place at the same time when I was sharing my story at a conference and she put the puzzle pieces together and we exchanged stories, she told me that she had pics of MY baby. At first it just seemed too good to be true, but God knew that this was a secret desire of mine since that day. I had always had the regret of not having any photos, but who thinks to take pictures when they just lost their child, your thoughts aren't clear or focused. But, that no longer matters because I now have 20 pictures of MY son, I couldn't be happier, its what I have always wanted. God did this just for me and I am forever thankful to Him for being so kind to me. I will share one photo with you all here.