Where do I start? I guess I should start with Mother's day. Why is there so much anxiety around this day? Maybe because most "mothers" are happy and proud of their title. But then there are those, like me, I kinda don't know where I fit in. I offer the question once more, am I really a mother? I hate that I have this struggle, when people on the outside tell me all the time, "you are a mother", but sometimes I disagree. (and please no cheesy replies saying you are a mother, Stephanie, don't worry) Its just not fair to have that title stripped away and it was totally out of my control. Who's fault was it, I don't really know. Maybe my body, my body betrayed me by not safely carrying my son and protecting him like it should have. I just don't understand, and I'm sure I never will, maybe understanding is not really what I'm searching for. Closure maybe? But how can you have closure when it comes to something like the death of a child. I don't think that's possible, do you? I know I'm asking a lot of questions, and I kinda want some answers, but if I don't get them, I'll live.
Frustration is another familiar feeling, or should I say emotion. Infertility....wow! What a subject. Infertility after baby loss is even more painful to face. There, I said it. I am struggling with infertility. And no I don't want any sympathy or pity, I would like your prayers, that's what its gonna take for us to have a baby. Lots and lots of prayers. I have to constantly remind myself that if God did this for us the first time around, then why would He change His mind all of a sudden. But guess what? That's no easy position to stay in, its a constant struggle. But, it is what it is. We will get through this, we have no choice. I see kids in our future, I just want them to be here in the now...Well, life can be topsy turvy sometimes, but we gotta roll with the punches, right?
Very inspiring Stephanie. Keep having faith and I will continue to pray for you. -Vanitra
ReplyDeleteStephenie, I know exactly what you're going through - I struggled with infertility and like you I knew I would have a kids. God answered my prayers and gave me my wonderful son....Nathan. He's going to do the same for you and Eddie.
ReplyDeleteWe love you and pray for you everyday. Aunt Carolyn
I am so so so touched by your blog. I must confess I also watched your YouTube channel. Honestly, I am so thankful to you for sharing what you have been through as I had a near identical experience in August 2011. I lost my precious boy at approximately 20 weeks the day before I married the love of my life. It will take a super long post to share ALL the feelings experienced since that moment when I too was told that I was going to lose my precious baby, BUT I can say that I totally and wholly relate to your experience thus far and the conflict I felt this Mother's Day (which would have been my first). Also, I have been struggling with infertility (although I have not been officially diagnosed) since my period returned on 20 October 2011. We sort of hoped that since I got pregnant seemingly quickly, that it would be the same for us again. We are still waiting for GOd to bless us, and like you, hope he hasn't forgotten us. I am terrified of approaching the 1 year anniversary of losing my precious boy, particularly so if I am not yet pregnant by that time. So so so so much I can write but I will end by saying I will follow your blog and would love to get in touch by e-mail whenever you have time. This is completely out of character for me as I mostly read blogs/watch vlogs anonymously but never have I been so touched by another woman's journey. I am so thankful to God that he led me to your site and I have no doubt it will give me a lot of strength. Praying for you and sending you a hug. Warm regards,
ReplyDeletePhilippa
-Cayman Islands
ps: I have subscribed to your blog!