Where do I start? I guess I should start with Mother's day. Why is there so much anxiety around this day? Maybe because most "mothers" are happy and proud of their title. But then there are those, like me, I kinda don't know where I fit in. I offer the question once more, am I really a mother? I hate that I have this struggle, when people on the outside tell me all the time, "you are a mother", but sometimes I disagree. (and please no cheesy replies saying you are a mother, Stephanie, don't worry) Its just not fair to have that title stripped away and it was totally out of my control. Who's fault was it, I don't really know. Maybe my body, my body betrayed me by not safely carrying my son and protecting him like it should have. I just don't understand, and I'm sure I never will, maybe understanding is not really what I'm searching for. Closure maybe? But how can you have closure when it comes to something like the death of a child. I don't think that's possible, do you? I know I'm asking a lot of questions, and I kinda want some answers, but if I don't get them, I'll live.
Frustration is another familiar feeling, or should I say emotion. Infertility....wow! What a subject. Infertility after baby loss is even more painful to face. There, I said it. I am struggling with infertility. And no I don't want any sympathy or pity, I would like your prayers, that's what its gonna take for us to have a baby. Lots and lots of prayers. I have to constantly remind myself that if God did this for us the first time around, then why would He change His mind all of a sudden. But guess what? That's no easy position to stay in, its a constant struggle. But, it is what it is. We will get through this, we have no choice. I see kids in our future, I just want them to be here in the now...Well, life can be topsy turvy sometimes, but we gotta roll with the punches, right?
