This post is going to be slightly different from most of my posts. Infertility...what a word!! I almost don't like the word as much as I don't like the word miscarriage. These words aren't big enough to describe what really happens. Miscarriage is a horrible word in my opinion. Its so small compared to how big the loss of a child is to a parent. Infertility is a word that scares people away often. Its an unwanted label that no one asked for.

Month after month I go through this weird ritual of being positive and hopeful and thinking "this will be the month for sure"! I give myself that "pep talk" every single month. Only to be disappointed once again. It usually goes a little like this....this month is it for real, happiness, expecting good news in a few days, still being positive and hopeful, BOOM, BANG...cycle day 1..extreme disappointment, sadness, depressed, why does this always happen, well, I can't change it so just get over the fact that you're not pregnant this month, on to the next month. And so begins the cycle again month after month.

So, do you see how exhausting that cycle is and how extremely emotional that is for a person to deal with. Then imagine having to have the "fertility treatment" talk with your husband. Who wants to talk about paying for a child, thousands and thousands of dollars, just to have a kid. No one ever thinks they'll have to have this conversation with their spouse. Well, at least I never thought I'd have to. I am giving you a real look into what goes on with Infertility. Its funny how most of us when we were single spent most times trying not to get pregnant, and now that were married were spending way more time (and money and sanity) trying to get pregnant. That doesn't really make sense, but that's life...for some...for me.

This journey is really, really hard. Its like I have to fight for what to focus my attention on, I miss my child, I grieve for him, I long to feel him, to know him, I miss him so much it hurts sometimes. I desperately want children, I want to experience pregnancy again, I want to bond with another human being on a level that is beyond this world. Both sides are kinda sad, but its real life. I want to be hopeful and positive and believe that its going to happen for us, but sometimes that is really hard, really almost impossible for me to keep getting my hopes up only to be let down...again. 

I don't know the answer. Please don't give me the God-has-a-blessing-just-for-you type cliche thing or the when-you-stop-trying-that's-when-it'll-happen. I know, I know...just please hear my heart on this issue, I just have to get it out, get it off my chest. I get angry when I think of the cards we've been dealt, but I can't change it. Deal with it! Toughen up some! Okay, okay I'm a big girl. Miscarriage and Infertility will not get the best of me.