Hi there everybody. It has been a really long time since I've written my feelings here. I have actually been putting my feelings to the back burner lately, which isn't good, I know. So much has happened since my last post. I have wanted to write so many times, but I've been a little afraid, because it means I have to face how I feel, which can sometimes be a little ugly.
Guess I'll start with Mother's Day, well, you know the drill I'm sure, it was a tough day, anxiety filled. I put so much pressure on myself to not feel "weird" on Mother's Day. But I do, I feel empty and like I'm really missing out on the best feeling in the world...being a "real" mom. I battled the question once again, "Am I really a Mother?" Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not, at least that's how I feel. I hate when they ask the Mother's to stand up in church, I don't want to, but I don't want people looking at me to see what my response will be. My heart races and I get flushed. I really hate that feeling.
I miss you son, I really do. I started going to counseling again a few weeks ago and I've had to face some hard truths that I don't want to face, but its necessary. I'm somewhat a turtle, I like to crawl in my shell when things get tough, but that's not life, I know. The feelings one experiences after losing a child, those feelings are tough and they are no fun. Life is forever changed. I still wonder what my son would be like now, he would almost be 3 years old, wow, me with a 3 year old. My life would be so different if that were the case. I hate what if!! Its not a profitable feeling at all, what if this, what if that; I'll never know.
I haven't cried in a while and I haven't looked at his pictures either, I need to do that because I want to feel close to him so bad, I long for him so much, I need him and I miss him
