Tonight, I looked at my baby's pictures. At first I was afraid, I didn't know what emotion I would feel at first glance. As always, I smiled..... then I cried. I often touch the photos as if I'm touching him, his skin. What I wouldn't give to feel him one more time. As I turned the pages in the photo book I was amazed at how much he looks like me...and Eddie too. He was really a complete make up of Eddie and I, a perfect combination. I get angry when I think about what we went through, and I still don't understand, maybe I never will. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I want to scream it very loud. I'm home alone and I won't do that, but in my head, I'm screaming.
Grief is one of those horrible things that can sneak up on you like a robber. You had no idea it was coming, catches you totally off guard. Just when you think things are smooth something slaps you in the face. I know the holidays are upon us and I have been fighting against depression. For some reason now, the holidays are a reminder of what I don't have, not all the "things" I don't have, but my son whom I don't have. I know you're thinking, "well, you're ungrateful", not ungrateful at all, I realize how blessed I am, but its also nights like this, when I'm here alone, and its extra quiet, that shouldn't be the case. I would love to have a noisy house because I'm chasing around a 2 year old little boy. I don't have that, instead I'm looking at pictures of my baby who didn't survive. That is a pretty tough pill to swallow. I am mad that he's gone, I am angry that I feel so incomplete, something, no someone is missing from my life and I know who it is, but I can't change anything. Yes, I will keep living and loving, yes, I will smile and be happy, but I will also cry, get angry, get mad, get even madder because I don't understand.
I will keep glancing at baby boy's pictures for the rest of my life, and I'm sure I'll cry and smile every single time, my heart goes through a couple different emotions when I look at his pictures, and I'm sure that will never change.
