I survived

On my way to work this morning I was listening to a track on Mary Mary's CD called "Survive". Since the loss of baby Tre, words have such a significant meaning to me, its like I study words and their meaning so much more now. I don't know if its because after such a tragic event we are so much more sensitive, or maybe were just aware of every little thing. But as I listened, I not only sang along, but I totally agreed...I survived, something I thought I could never do, survive and live on after the death of my child. That even sounds so funny and looks funny on the page, but I am surviving. The best I know how. Some days I thrive and I'm happy, then other days, it seems like I'm barely making it, but at the end of it all, I am surviving. And that means so much to me, I'm realizing the joy in celebrating the small victories, being a parent who has lost a child, we have to definitely take it one day at a time, the next day or even second for that matter, isn't predictable. We never know when extreme sadness lurks in the background, its something that can happen and usually happens without warning. Today feels weird for me, I don't really know why, but last night like most nights, I glanced over at baby boy's ultrasound photos and gave a faint smile. I thought to myself, "what was that smile for"? I still don't know why I smiled, maybe I smiled because I love him so much, or maybe I smiled because I'm glad to have those photos of him, or maybe I smiled so I wouldn't burst out into tears. But either way...I did smile. But today I feel like crying, at this moment, its hard to pin point my feeling, but if I had to give it a name, I would say somber. And on that note, I'm going to go tell God all about it, yep, He can surely help.