Are You My Mother?

Hi there everybody. It has been a really long time since I've written my feelings here. I have actually been putting my feelings to the back burner lately, which isn't good, I know. So much has happened since my last post. I have wanted to write so many times, but I've been a little afraid, because it means I have to face how I feel, which can sometimes be a little ugly.
Guess I'll start with Mother's Day, well, you know the drill I'm sure, it was a tough day, anxiety filled. I put so much pressure on myself to not feel "weird" on Mother's Day. But I do, I feel empty and like I'm really missing out on the best feeling in the world...being a "real" mom. I battled the question once again, "Am I really a Mother?" Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not, at least that's how I feel. I hate when they ask the Mother's to stand up in church, I don't want to, but I don't want people looking at me to see what my response will be. My heart races and I get flushed. I really hate that feeling.
I miss you son, I really do. I started going to counseling again a few weeks ago and I've had to face some hard truths that I don't want to face, but its necessary. I'm somewhat a turtle, I like to crawl in my shell when things get tough, but that's not life, I know. The feelings one experiences after losing a child, those feelings are tough and they are no fun. Life is forever changed. I still wonder what my son would be like now, he would almost be 3 years old, wow, me with a 3 year old. My life would be so different if that were the case. I hate what if!! Its not a profitable feeling at all, what if this, what if that; I'll never know.
I haven't cried in a while and I haven't looked at his pictures either, I need to do that because I want to feel close to him so bad, I long for him so much, I need him and I miss him

Pictures worth 10,000 words

Tonight, I looked at my baby's pictures. At first I was afraid, I didn't know what emotion I would feel at first glance. As always, I smiled..... then I cried. I often touch the photos as if I'm touching him, his skin. What I wouldn't give to feel him one more time. As I turned the pages in the photo book I was amazed at how much he looks like me...and Eddie too. He was really a complete make up of Eddie and I, a perfect combination. I get angry when I think about what we went through, and I still don't understand, maybe I never will. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I want to scream it very loud. I'm home alone and I won't do that, but in my head, I'm screaming.
Grief is one of those horrible things that can sneak up on you like a robber. You had no idea it was coming, catches you totally off guard. Just when you think things are smooth something slaps you in the face. I know the holidays are upon us and I have been fighting against depression. For some reason now, the holidays are a reminder of what I don't have, not all the "things" I don't have, but my son whom I don't have. I know you're thinking, "well, you're ungrateful", not ungrateful at all, I realize how blessed I am, but its also nights like this, when I'm here alone, and its extra quiet, that shouldn't be the case. I would love to have a noisy house because I'm chasing around a 2 year old little boy. I don't have that, instead I'm looking at pictures of my baby who didn't survive. That is a pretty tough pill to swallow. I am mad that he's gone, I am angry that I feel so incomplete, something, no someone is missing from my life and I know who it is, but I can't change anything. Yes, I will keep living and loving, yes, I will smile and be happy, but I will also cry, get angry, get mad, get even madder because I don't understand.
I will keep glancing at baby boy's pictures for the rest of my life, and I'm sure I'll cry and smile every single time, my heart goes through a couple different emotions when I look at his pictures, and I'm sure that will never change.

Well...

Life is an extreme challenge these days. I had been trying to intentionally not focus so much on trying to conceive, and just enjoy each month like the previous. That was until my cycle decided to come 6 days late, why, I have no idea. So, that had me in a happy place for quite a while. I begin to think, "oh, maybe this is it, when I least expect it", I was just sure I was pregnant....NOT! That might be one of the worst parts about pregnancy loss, you lose the innocence of trying to make a baby, you lose the innocence of pregnancy because you now know what "could" happen. Now, this is not to say that I am expecting the worst, but I can't forget what happened the first time. This is a tough place to be in, but I have to keep reminding myself that it will happen, its just the wait, that's the not-so-fun part.