Tonight, I looked at my baby's pictures. At first I was afraid, I didn't know what emotion I would feel at first glance. As always, I smiled..... then I cried. I often touch the photos as if I'm touching him, his skin. What I wouldn't give to feel him one more time. As I turned the pages in the photo book I was amazed at how much he looks like me...and Eddie too. He was really a complete make up of Eddie and I, a perfect combination. I get angry when I think about what we went through, and I still don't understand, maybe I never will. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I want to scream it very loud. I'm home alone and I won't do that, but in my head, I'm screaming.
Grief is one of those horrible things that can sneak up on you like a robber. You had no idea it was coming, catches you totally off guard. Just when you think things are smooth something slaps you in the face. I know the holidays are upon us and I have been fighting against depression. For some reason now, the holidays are a reminder of what I don't have, not all the "things" I don't have, but my son whom I don't have. I know you're thinking, "well, you're ungrateful", not ungrateful at all, I realize how blessed I am, but its also nights like this, when I'm here alone, and its extra quiet, that shouldn't be the case. I would love to have a noisy house because I'm chasing around a 2 year old little boy. I don't have that, instead I'm looking at pictures of my baby who didn't survive. That is a pretty tough pill to swallow. I am mad that he's gone, I am angry that I feel so incomplete, something, no someone is missing from my life and I know who it is, but I can't change anything. Yes, I will keep living and loving, yes, I will smile and be happy, but I will also cry, get angry, get mad, get even madder because I don't understand.
I will keep glancing at baby boy's pictures for the rest of my life, and I'm sure I'll cry and smile every single time, my heart goes through a couple different emotions when I look at his pictures, and I'm sure that will never change.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Well...
Life is an extreme challenge these days. I had been trying to intentionally not focus so much on trying to conceive, and just enjoy each month like the previous. That was until my cycle decided to come 6 days late, why, I have no idea. So, that had me in a happy place for quite a while. I begin to think, "oh, maybe this is it, when I least expect it", I was just sure I was pregnant....NOT! That might be one of the worst parts about pregnancy loss, you lose the innocence of trying to make a baby, you lose the innocence of pregnancy because you now know what "could" happen. Now, this is not to say that I am expecting the worst, but I can't forget what happened the first time. This is a tough place to be in, but I have to keep reminding myself that it will happen, its just the wait, that's the not-so-fun part.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Mixed emotions yet again
Well, here it is, one day before my birthday. For some reason I'm feeling really nervous, and also feeling a little down, not really in a celebratory mood. Sometimes the guilt of being happy jumps at me unannounced. Its a very hard place to be, you know you can't stop your life, but to just "go on" like normal doesn't seem right. Here I am about to turn 30 and boy did I have things mapped out, I would at least be on child #2 by now, but instead, I have empty arms and am left with the painful memory of giving birth to a child months too early by force. I will make the best of these mixed emotions though. I know that 30 is a big deal, and I am glad to have lived to see it, as so many haven't. So, Stephanie...suck it up and be happy!!! OK!
On another note, I have to share the most awesome news ever. After 2 years and 2 months, I now have pictures of my sweet baby boy. Who would have thought something like this could happen. On that dreaded day of April 10, 2010, a very sweet lady took it upon herself and her wonderful instincts to take pictures (without our consent because of the hospital not asking us) She told me that she just "felt" like she had to take the pictures. It just so happened that we were in the same place at the same time when I was sharing my story at a conference and she put the puzzle pieces together and we exchanged stories, she told me that she had pics of MY baby. At first it just seemed too good to be true, but God knew that this was a secret desire of mine since that day. I had always had the regret of not having any photos, but who thinks to take pictures when they just lost their child, your thoughts aren't clear or focused. But, that no longer matters because I now have 20 pictures of MY son, I couldn't be happier, its what I have always wanted. God did this just for me and I am forever thankful to Him for being so kind to me. I will share one photo with you all here.
On another note, I have to share the most awesome news ever. After 2 years and 2 months, I now have pictures of my sweet baby boy. Who would have thought something like this could happen. On that dreaded day of April 10, 2010, a very sweet lady took it upon herself and her wonderful instincts to take pictures (without our consent because of the hospital not asking us) She told me that she just "felt" like she had to take the pictures. It just so happened that we were in the same place at the same time when I was sharing my story at a conference and she put the puzzle pieces together and we exchanged stories, she told me that she had pics of MY baby. At first it just seemed too good to be true, but God knew that this was a secret desire of mine since that day. I had always had the regret of not having any photos, but who thinks to take pictures when they just lost their child, your thoughts aren't clear or focused. But, that no longer matters because I now have 20 pictures of MY son, I couldn't be happier, its what I have always wanted. God did this just for me and I am forever thankful to Him for being so kind to me. I will share one photo with you all here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)