I survived

On my way to work this morning I was listening to a track on Mary Mary's CD called "Survive". Since the loss of baby Tre, words have such a significant meaning to me, its like I study words and their meaning so much more now. I don't know if its because after such a tragic event we are so much more sensitive, or maybe were just aware of every little thing. But as I listened, I not only sang along, but I totally agreed...I survived, something I thought I could never do, survive and live on after the death of my child. That even sounds so funny and looks funny on the page, but I am surviving. The best I know how. Some days I thrive and I'm happy, then other days, it seems like I'm barely making it, but at the end of it all, I am surviving. And that means so much to me, I'm realizing the joy in celebrating the small victories, being a parent who has lost a child, we have to definitely take it one day at a time, the next day or even second for that matter, isn't predictable. We never know when extreme sadness lurks in the background, its something that can happen and usually happens without warning. Today feels weird for me, I don't really know why, but last night like most nights, I glanced over at baby boy's ultrasound photos and gave a faint smile. I thought to myself, "what was that smile for"? I still don't know why I smiled, maybe I smiled because I love him so much, or maybe I smiled because I'm glad to have those photos of him, or maybe I smiled so I wouldn't burst out into tears. But either way...I did smile. But today I feel like crying, at this moment, its hard to pin point my feeling, but if I had to give it a name, I would say somber. And on that note, I'm going to go tell God all about it, yep, He can surely help.

One year

What a difference one year makes! This time last year I was laying in a hospital room drifting in and out of consciousness. I wanted to just give up on life, literally, I didn't want to live anymore. I had wished so many times(and I even said out loud that I wished I would die during the surgery) that I would die because at times the pain was too much for me to handle, and yes, life can give you more than you can handle. I know that everyone says God won't put more on you than you can bear, but life and situations can definitely do it.
As I reflect on this time last year, I have to give God all the praise and glory because I know it has to be Him who has brought me this far. Even when I was so angry with Him and pretty much hated him because I felt like He disappointed me, He was still there right by my side. Sometimes I wonder why God loves us so much when we treat Him so bad, His love is truly amazing. Some days I feel like I'm not my "old" self, but I guess I will never be my old self. Life experiences can change who we are at the very core and that's probably normal. I would like to encourage some mother who is feeling at her worst and feeling like she has nothing else to live for; don't give up on life, not now, please. Your story of endurance will touch the lives of many, and there were and still are days where I felt I would never get to the "other side" of this sadness and depression, but I'm slowly walking that way. I feel my steps getting a little easier and my path is getting clearer.
I miss my sweet baby boy more than ever, and on days like this where the rain is falling and its a bit gloomy out, I just wish I was holding him in my arms giving him the comfort that only a mother can give. I would give anything to hold him and gaze into his precious eyes. There is a small amount of sadness in my heart because of what I do not have at this moment, but there is also a light for what I do have.... My Life. Let's all be grateful.

What to do and say when a friend loses a baby

Here is a link to a wonderful article that was shared with me by one of the members of the yahoo support group I'm a part of. Please read and pass along to all of your family and friends.
http://liferearranged.com/2011/06/what-to-dosay-when-a-friend-experiences-loss-infant-lossmiscarriage/