Well...

Life is an extreme challenge these days. I had been trying to intentionally not focus so much on trying to conceive, and just enjoy each month like the previous. That was until my cycle decided to come 6 days late, why, I have no idea. So, that had me in a happy place for quite a while. I begin to think, "oh, maybe this is it, when I least expect it", I was just sure I was pregnant....NOT! That might be one of the worst parts about pregnancy loss, you lose the innocence of trying to make a baby, you lose the innocence of pregnancy because you now know what "could" happen. Now, this is not to say that I am expecting the worst, but I can't forget what happened the first time. This is a tough place to be in, but I have to keep reminding myself that it will happen, its just the wait, that's the not-so-fun part.

Mixed emotions yet again

Well, here it is, one day before my birthday. For some reason I'm feeling really nervous, and also feeling a little down, not really in a celebratory mood. Sometimes the guilt of being happy jumps at me unannounced. Its a very hard place to be, you know you can't stop your life, but to just "go on" like normal doesn't seem right. Here I am about to turn 30 and boy did I have things mapped out, I would at least be on child #2 by now, but instead, I have empty arms and am left with the painful memory of giving birth to a child months too early by force. I will make the best of these mixed emotions though. I know that 30 is a big deal, and I am glad to have lived to see it, as so many haven't. So, Stephanie...suck it up and be happy!!! OK!
On another note, I have to share the most awesome news ever. After 2 years and 2 months, I now have pictures of my sweet baby boy. Who would have thought something like this could happen. On that dreaded day of April 10, 2010, a very sweet lady took it upon herself and her wonderful instincts to take pictures (without our consent because of the hospital not asking us) She told me that she just "felt" like she had to take the pictures. It just so happened that we were in the same place at the same time when I was sharing my story at a conference and she put the puzzle pieces together and we exchanged stories, she told me that she had pics of MY baby. At first it just seemed too good to be true, but God knew that this was a secret desire of mine since that day. I had always had the regret of not having any photos, but who thinks to take pictures when they just lost their child, your thoughts aren't clear or focused. But, that no longer matters because I now have 20 pictures of MY son, I couldn't be happier, its what I have always wanted. God did this just for me and I am forever thankful to Him for being so kind to me. I will share one photo with you all here.

My REAL life in words

Where do I start? I guess I should start with Mother's day. Why is there so much anxiety around this day? Maybe because most "mothers" are happy and proud of their title. But then there are those, like me, I kinda don't know where I fit in. I offer the question once more, am I really a mother? I hate that I have this struggle, when people on the outside tell me all the time, "you are a mother", but sometimes I disagree. (and please no cheesy replies saying you are a mother, Stephanie, don't worry) Its just not fair to have that title stripped away and it was totally out of my control. Who's fault was it, I don't really know. Maybe my body, my body betrayed me by not safely carrying my son and protecting him like it should have. I just don't understand, and I'm sure I never will, maybe understanding is not really what I'm searching for. Closure maybe? But how can you have closure when it comes to something like the death of a child. I don't think that's possible, do you? I know I'm asking a lot of questions, and I kinda want some answers, but if I don't get them, I'll live.

Frustration is another familiar feeling, or should I say emotion. Infertility....wow! What a subject. Infertility after baby loss is even more painful to face. There, I said it. I am struggling with infertility. And no I don't want any sympathy or pity, I would like your prayers, that's what its gonna take for us to have a baby. Lots and lots of prayers. I have to constantly remind myself that if God did this for us the first time around, then why would He change His mind all of a sudden. But guess what? That's no easy position to stay in, its a constant struggle. But, it is what it is. We will get through this, we have no choice. I see kids in our future, I just want them to be here in the now...Well, life can be topsy turvy sometimes, but we gotta roll with the punches, right?