My Feelings

It's hard to believe that it has been 1 year, 8 months and 4 days since Tre has been gone. That's a really long time, and some days it feels like it just happened. I wonder will it always feel like this. This is the worst emotional roller coaster ever. No person should go through this. The loss of a child is a feeling that is abnormal, I see how people grieve themselves to death, because the feeling is one that shouldn't be, a parent shouldn't be familiar with the pain of losing their child. But why do so many parents know this horrible feeling. I just don't understand. And as Christmas approaches, I feel this unspoken pressure to be happy and joyful. I do know the reason for Christmas, but I can't say that I'm happy or joyful. This is a time where I should have a tree up with gifts for my son under the tree. Instead I have a house empty of a Christmas tree or any decorations. I'm just not in the mood! I also get tired of people trying to force me to be happy, just let me have my time, please. I realize that this post is all over the place, but I just need to get some things off my mind. Truth be told, I just wish I could skip Christmas and jump right in to next year. But, that's not possible so I'll just take it one day at a time!

Happy holidays can be "not so happy"

Why do the holidays bring about such a somber feeling. This is the time where everyone should be overjoyed, and full of happiness. But for some, this time is a reminder of what one should have. At least, that's how I feel. I don't mean to be a party pooper, but I can remember when I was pregnant with Baby Tre, I was looking so forward to the holidays because it would be baby's first Thanksgiving and Christmas, I had even planned on buying little holiday outfits. But, that's not the case now, its just another day. I don't want to not focus on the meaning of the holiday time, but hey, these are my real feelings and I might as well share how I feel. Am I happy? Hmmmm, not sure I can say happy is how I'm feeling right now. I'm thankful and grateful for life, but I do feel like a large piece of who I am, and even who I was supposed to be, is missing. I am supposed to be a mother! I know some would say, "you are a mother", but to that I say, I don't have a baby to show for it, only emotional scars, which people can't see. I have to try extra hard to smile during this time, and I realize its a fight, and probably will be for a long time, and I'm okay with that.

Everyone else moves on

Life is so funny sometimes. Its funny to me how quick others move on. In the beginning, everyone is so concerned about you and they call often, send cards, flowers, food, and other gifts. But as the weeks pass by, the phone calls cease, the cards stop coming and the gifts...well, they start to collect dust. I can't say that I expect people to not move on, but sometimes I stop and think to myself, "how could people so easily forget", as tragic as the situation was, how could they just get on with their life like normal. Then, I have to snap back into reality and I remind myself that it didn't happen to "them", it happened to me. That's how everyone else can move on so easy.
It is, however, just a tad hurtful to not be checked on as often and to not really have others ask in a sincere way, "how are you really doing"? I am in no way mad at anyone or directing this toward a specific person, I'm just sharing my "real thoughts" with you about how I feel as a mother who has lost a child. If you have a friend who has lost a baby, it can be 2 or 3 years later, you should still call from time to time and ask them how they are dealing, because just like everyone else moves on, we move on as well, but at a much, much slower pace. I like to call it an adjustment period. I'm not a firm believer in time healing all wounds, because some wounds get worse and some better with time. Life goes in cycles, and any day I could be at the good part or the bad part of life's cycle. That's why its nice to check and see where I or maybe some other mother or father is in their journey. Don't just forget about us and assume that things are good, because you never know. And while we have to move on, it is a bit harder to move on after you have lost the one who was literally a part of you.